Thursday, April 10, 2014

5 Reasons You're Going to Read This Article

I wrote this as a pitch for a different blog site but decided to post it here. I hope it makes someone laugh :)

Yesterday, after reading my third list in a row, but before doing anything even marginally important, it dawned on me that I have been entirely ignoring any and all online articles that aren't in list form. I asked myself "why?" To which I answered myself – wouldn’t you know it? – with a list. Lucky for you I am a licensed scribe, or "scrivener,"* because me talks fast! Submitted for your approval is a list of five reasons, the only five reasons, humans are 67% more likely to read an article in list form. The aforementioned statistic was reached by arbitrarily choosing a convincing, but not too convincing percentage.

   *meaning "scribe"

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

6 Things Humanity Could Learn from Vampire Culture

If you’re anything like me then you no doubt ponder the condition of our race with frustration and a healthy dose of trepidation. I do so on a regular basis, usually while on the freeway or in line at Starbucks. All it takes is a semi-frequent, accidental overhearing of the evening news while playing World of Warcraft to know that our race is in a bad place. Just consider the atrocious acts against humanity at the hands of fellow humans: Genocide is a global norm. Slavery is far from abolished, with an estimated 27 million slaves on our planet today. D-bags kicking their dogs… you know, instead of their cats. Homelessness and starvation are pervasive despite the fact that just a few of the world’s billionaires could singlehandedly fix all of it. Wars and rumors of wars. McDonald’s. You know the drill, end of the world status crap.

As I contemplated the present state of our race I was all like, “man, what if we were more like vampires?” Then I realized that was a ridiculous thought, much like other moronic musings I have as I drift off at to sleep after a maybe-a-few-hours-too-long session of gaming and fast food ingestion. But then I thought that it would make as good a subject for a list as any other, so I quickly thought up 6 things humanity could learn from vampires before I dozed off. Then, after I woke up, I cursed my blasted neurotic follow-through mentality and fleshed the list out for your reading pleasure.